Its hard out here sometimes. You feel like life passes you by when you are busy with your routine work. I miss those weekends in college in India where you don't have to plan anything but still something will work out and you will have fun. Here, though I have friends, they all are working , so I have to call them in advance and plan for the weekend which robs spontaneity and fun off the whole thing.
At office I have an awesome, fun team. We go out for bowling and team lunches often. But still sometimes I feel little out of place or not close enough with the other members who all are Americans. I tell myself that it is all part of growing up and having to adapt to the surroundings. But still...
I often ask myself ask myself if why am I here? My mom who is in India will often tell me to come back home since money is not at all a problem. I guess money is not the issue here, not to say that I don't love my dollar pay checks. I feel like there is something else. I don't know how to word it. Is it freedom or individuality? Apart from the whining of the responsibilities and how I might be missing so much fun had I stayed in India, there is something else I get in return.
It is the feeling that I am living my own life. It's a feeling of inventing myself. Who am I? What do I do when nobody is watching? How do I do it? I make mistakes everyday on my own and pay small prices for it. It's learning on your own the virtues of doing the right things but still chose not to do them if you don't feel like it. I haven't cleaned my car in 2 years I have had it. I know a clean car looks good and appealing but for some reason I refuse to clean it coz I don't feel like it. Its the same story with my bathroom for so many months. One day felt so disgusted that I went and got all the cleaning supplies and cleaned it. It felt so good that day. I have cleaned, vacuumed the house so many times for my aunt. I felt good to help her but the satisfaction is no way comparable to the one I had when I cleaned my own bath room on my own will.
These may be incredibly silly examples to give, but they are only a small part of the whole picture. There is no body watching me, I have no body to satisfy or impress but myself. I can do anything with my life right now. I can take couple of years off and go back to school if I want, I can lose all I have got in a stupid investment and start all over without loosing a day's sleep.
May be it's this sense of freedom that is keeping me here. I don't know what the future will be like for me in the US, but who cares about the destination if the journey is interesting.
said...
Profound thoughts Karthic.
1)Dude, your car looks almost impeccable. (i dont wanna jinx it anyway) Just get some sheets and a bucket of water and in 15 mins it would be newer than new.
2)The journey would be lot more interesting if you stop(maybe just reduce) hanging out with guys(like us) and start amplifying your search antenna a bit towards the fairer sex.Its high time you start doing that!
Keep the posts coming:)
- Santosh
said...
Just waiting to get a job and have that feeling of independence!!! :)
but again...sometimes i feel...if u live as if nobody follows your life...then it is as good has having not life at all.. :D
ck said...
@santhosh, thanks dude!
@vijay, I get your point. Yeah! you can't live like this forever. But till you find something else worthwhile in life,this life isn't bad at all.
Few more months you will be an independent dude too!
Bijesh said...
dude,
"so I have to call them in advance and plan for the weekend"
the goa trip was planned months ago. I applied for leave more than a month ago. :D that's not spontaneous.
do u have to be in the US to enjoy the independence? I live alone, here in Bangalore and live of my own will. I dread not having that sense of being my own self.
ck said...
biju, I meant the regular weekends not your Goa Trip.
If I am in India, I will be under the shade of my Family Tree, will be part of big scheme of things. Not like how I live here in US.
Thanks for stopping by!
said...
no updates KC:)
How was Fall Colors?
Skely said...
the grass is always greener on the other side..
take a break for 2 months, stay here and soon you will realize which is better.
your whole point is that, here in india you would get,too much of attention, and there in US absolutely no attention.. i think it is time to get married buddy...
and about spontanious planning.. during college days, all of your friends were vetti, and so they could come out.. now even if you all were working in india, you would definitely miss that spontaniety..
as time goes by, one tends to do from SELFLESS ==> SELFISH. nothing wrong actually.. earlier we would have done stuffs without thinking anything.. now we would think twice to do anything.. that's what comes when one starts using his brain...
Whatever.. just enjoy maadi...
said...
Feels so true, CK... I felt the same when I was working in Bangalore, staying in a hostel - away from home. It is not living in US or in India... it is living on your own or with your family... It is not whether you love your family or not... It is doing what you want or what others (whom you love and who love you) want...
I found that in Bangalore.. you found it in US :) Treasure it!!