Life in US... Is it worth it?

I had this orkut scrap conversation with my buddy Vijay yesterday. He was saying how his friends back in India are planning for a trip to Goa and how he is missing it. I can empathize with him since I too am in the same boat.

Its hard out here sometimes. You feel like life passes you by when you are busy with your routine work. I miss those weekends in college in India where you don't have to plan anything but still something will work out and you will have fun. Here, though I have friends, they all are working , so I have to call them in advance and plan for the weekend which robs spontaneity and fun off the whole thing.

At office I have an awesome, fun team. We go out for bowling and team lunches often. But still sometimes I feel little out of place or not close enough with the other members who all are Americans. I tell myself that it is all part of growing up and having to adapt to the surroundings. But still...

I often ask myself ask myself if why am I here? My mom who is in India will often tell me to come back home since money is not at all a problem. I guess money is not the issue here, not to say that I don't love my dollar pay checks. I feel like there is something else. I don't know how to word it. Is it freedom or individuality? Apart from the whining of the responsibilities and how I might be missing so much fun had I stayed in India, there is something else I get in return.

It is the feeling that I am living my own life. It's a feeling of inventing myself. Who am I? What do I do when nobody is watching? How do I do it? I make mistakes everyday on my own and pay small prices for it. It's learning on your own the virtues of doing the right things but still chose not to do them if you don't feel like it. I haven't cleaned my car in 2 years I have had it. I know a clean car looks good and appealing but for some reason I refuse to clean it coz I don't feel like it. Its the same story with my bathroom for so many months. One day felt so disgusted that I went and got all the cleaning supplies and cleaned it. It felt so good that day. I have cleaned, vacuumed the house so many times for my aunt. I felt good to help her but the satisfaction is no way comparable to the one I had when I cleaned my own bath room on my own will.

These may be incredibly silly examples to give, but they are only a small part of the whole picture. There is no body watching me, I have no body to satisfy or impress but myself. I can do anything with my life right now. I can take couple of years off and go back to school if I want, I can lose all I have got in a stupid investment and start all over without loosing a day's sleep.

May be it's this sense of freedom that is keeping me here. I don't know what the future will be like for me in the US, but who cares about the destination if the journey is interesting.

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